Charles Duhigg (Cornerstone Press)
WHAT happens when you put dozens of gun-control activists and gun-rights advocates in a room together and leave them to talk?
Writer Charles Duhigg鈥檚 new book takes us inside that room as he introduces us to the potential power of conversation through his riveting stories. We also meet the antivaxxers who are persuaded by a doctor to vaccinate their kids, and the FBI negotiator who could persuade anyone to do anything, including getting an animal smuggler barricaded in a room with an iguana, six cobras and 19 rattlesnakes to give up 鈥� and name his accomplices.
Advertisement
What about persuading people whose beliefs are implacably opposed to hear one another out? One such 鈥渆xperiment鈥� took place in Washington DC in 2018, intended to see if people who loathed each other鈥檚 beliefs on guns could ever have a civil conversation.
Organisers divided participants into small groups, asking one person in each to describe a personal challenge. Listeners asked questions, summarised what they had heard and asked the speaker if the summary was accurate. The next stage was to apply this technique to guns, explaining why the issue was so important to them.
It worked. The connection they felt after sharing details from their lives and the experience of really being listened to meant that people with diametrically opposed views could have honest conversations about guns, without them ending in shouting matches. Views didn鈥檛 change, but the approaches did.
Duhigg鈥檚 excellent book aims to explain how conversations work so we can connect more meaningfully in our relationships. He lays out three basic types of conversation: emotional ones, ones about identity and practical, decision-making ones. Our mindset is different depending on the conversation type, so it is crucial to identify which one we are, in fact, having. Conflict, as Duhigg explains, will ensue if one person is speaking emotionally (鈥淛im is driving me crazy!鈥�) and the other is being practical (鈥淲hat if you just invited him to lunch?鈥�).
Realising what is going on gives us the potential for neurological synchronisation, when our brains, to a certain extent, align. Duhigg describes some fascinating studies. Take the Princeton University researchers who used functional magnetic resonance imaging to measure the neural activity of 12 people as they listened to a recording of a woman telling a story about her prom night. Their brain activity synchronised with that of the narrator as they listened.
Some are better than others at neurological synchronisation: they are Duhigg鈥檚 鈥渟upercommunicators鈥�. From asking deep questions (not 鈥渨here do you work?鈥�, but 鈥渨hat鈥檚 the best bit of your job?鈥�) to judging the mood and energy of your conversation partner, he details what they can teach us.
As you would want in a book on communication, Duhigg is clear and engaging, linking research with his own interviews as he explores what really happens in a successful 鈥� or difficult 鈥� conversation. Some sections can feel repetitive, but Duhigg鈥檚 advice on how to confront the toughest topics is welcome in our polarised times.
Back with that FBI negotiator/supercommunicator. 鈥淭he key was getting him to see things from the snakes鈥� perspective,鈥� he tells Duhigg. 鈥淗e was a little weird, but he genuinely loved animals.鈥�
