Nested dishes
TURKEYS may vote for Christmas, but what about canaries? Festive-minded Robert Campbell recently purchased a couple of roasting dishes from Lidl. The attached notes warn him not to “overheat your cooking utensils, so as to avoid smoke which can be dangerous for small animals (e.g. birds) with especially sensitive respiratory systems. We recommend not keeping birds in the kitchen!”.
Robert says he was unaware that kitchens were off limits for birds, while Feedback wonders why it is up to the vendors of kitchenware to raise awareness of this danger and not, say, the vendors of small birds.
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This is of particular concern to us, as our own kitchenette is packed with a seasonal gift haul: a small flock of swans and geese, four calling birds, three french hens, a pair of turtle doves and a partridge. (We also received a pear tree, which is sitting in the garage.)
While our incumbent guests will certainly keep us mindful not to overdo the parsnips, we suppose any accidental fatalities will only put extra meat on the table. Turducken? So 2017! Make ours a six-layer meat matryoshka: swagoocallhendovtridge.
“A walking, talking android was lauded as the most advanced of its kind when it appeared at a recent Russian technology forum. Alas, Robot Boris was in fact an unnamed man in a £3000 costume”
Perfect pairing
SPEAKING of seasonal food, it’s not just European nationalists who hold a deep-seated loathing for Brussels. We are talking sprouts, of course. Brassicaphobic readers will be thrilled to hear that a new study has revealed one weird trick to dampen the green gremlin’s bitter taste.
Volunteers reported that a sip of red wine considerably lowered the sprouts’ intensity. Gravy and water had no effect. Researchers say the wine’s astringency may somehow counter bitter tastes. All you need to know is that a fruity red is just the thing to wash down your Christmas dinner – whether sprout infested or not.
Yule be sorry
‘TIS the season when millions of people who couldn’t keep a cactus alive decide to bring a mature fir tree into their home. Keeping this festive pot plant alive until the 12th day of Christmas can be a challenge, but technology is here to help.
Engineers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology have created a cyborg plant that can drive itself about. Electrodes inserted in the plant detect its reactions to light, heat and more, and cause the wheels to relocate the plant to a comfier spot.
Of course, the idea of waking up to find a tinselled triffid looming over your bed, its cold, sap-filled heart intent on revenge, should be enough to have you reaching for the hatchet. Best play it safe and buy an artificial tree this year.
Having a crush
A DOG is for life, but adorable animals are for any day of the week. The question is: why do most of us get the urge to squeeze cute creatures?
Psychologists have dubbed the phenomenon “cute aggression”. In a new study, 54 people looked at pictures of animals and babies while EEG caps recorded their brain activity. The results suggest these aggressive urges happen when people can’t handle how cute something is.
Katherine Stavropoulos at the University of California, Riverside, says, “Our study seems to underscore the idea that cute aggression is the brain’s way of ‘bringing us back down’ by mediating our feelings of being overwhelmed.”
Small bills
IN A previous edition, Feedback reported signage that declared a running tap wastes “250 penguins or £22 a day” (24 November). “This exchange rate makes one penguin worth 8.8p,” says Ian Binnie. “Where can I buy a penguin for 8.8p, and are these the fairy or king kind?”
Feedback urges Ian to waddle down to the biscuit aisle of his local supermarket, where we are sure he can p-p-pick up a penguin for around that price.
Hal-AI-lujah
AND finally, it wouldn’t be the holidays without a little carolling. In what is bound to become a time-honoured tradition, researchers at Made by AI have raised a machine-learning intelligence on a steady diet of Christmas carols, and asked it to produce some new ones.
Visit christmas.madeby.ai to listen to spirited renditions of future classics such as Cinnamon Holybells, Merry Jinglelog and the charming Cocoa Jollyfluff.
Not to be outdone, the panoptical AI behind Google’s search algorithms is also having a go. Search for “partridge in a pear tree” and you will be treated to an information box containing what this machine intelligence believes to be the correct lyrics. The first few lines are spot on, but things quickly get weird:
“Better not shout, you better not cry / You better not in a pear tree / On the ninth, no! / On the eighth, come on!…”
“Nine ladies dancing they were dancing for me / Eight maids a milking they were milking just for me / I had Christmas down in Africa… I had Christmas down in Africa (five golden rings) / Couldn’t take the halls into the things we never had… Partridge in a big pear tree / Partridge in a big pear tree”
What more is there to say? Merry Christmas, happy Hanukkah, jolly Yule and season’s greetings one and all.
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