(Image: Aldo Sperber/Picturetank)
Find out the answer to the When Harry Met Sally question, why we have frenemies, plus seven more chum conundrums
1 Do we really need friends?
Yes. People with weak social relationships are 50 per cent more likely to die in a given period than those with strong social ties. Social isolation is as bad for you as – by some estimates equivalent to smoking 15 cigarettes per day – and worse than inactivity or obesity.
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Friendships also contribute to happiness – . A of 423 college students found that the quality of friendships had a big impact on how happy people were, whereas the number of friends they had made no difference.
However, the benefits of friendship probably vary from person to person, which would explain why some people say they feel happiest when alone.
2 What makes a good friendship?
We forge friendships with people who are similar to ourselves. The six most important criteria are language, profession, world view (political, moral and religious), sense of humour, local identity and education. Personality appears to be less important than cultural preferences – the bands you like, the books you enjoy, the jokes you find funny. In fact, the best predictor of how well you will get on with a stranger is whether you like the same music.
3 Why do some people have more friends than others?
It may be in their biology. Neuroimaging studies have found that people with more grey matter in areas such as the amygdalae – which are associated with memory and emotional processing – tend to have more friends. But it is not clear whether this is cause or effect. There are also cultural influences: people from big, extended families tend to have fewer non-kin friends than those from small families.
4 Can straight men and women be “just friends”?
Yes, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t attracted to each other. Numerous studies show that . A survey of US college students found that .
Young men tend to be more attracted to their female friends than the other way round. They are also more likely to become friends with a woman because they are attracted to her, and to overestimate how attractive their female friends find them.
Women are more interested in protection. They are also more likely than men to secretly test whether their opposite-sex friends fancy them. Researchers have identified 158 such tests – the most common are attempts to make a friend jealous, tests of fidelity and temporary physical separation.
5 Do male and female friendships differ?
Women are more likely to have a best friend, whereas men more often hang out with a group. Women tend to consider friendships more in terms of emotional connection. By contrast, men think about how much time they spend together or how long they have known each other.
Female-female friendships tend to be more intimate, and women make friends with similarly physically attractive women. That is a good mating strategy – their friends attract men who are likely to find them attractive too – but it also leads to competition.
6 Are all friendships good for you?
No. Relationships with “frenemies” can actually damage your health. These are people who bring us down but who we put up with anyway. About half of the people in your social networks are likely to be frenemies – most of them family members. Interacting with unreliable friends is stressful. Your blood pressure is likely to be more elevated when you are with a frenemy than it is with someone you do not like at all.
7 Does friendship change as we age?
Yes. Small children only really need – we don’t develop the ability to juggle large numbers until our early 20s. Teenagers are hugely influenced by their friends, especially in behaviours such as substance use, violence and suicide.
The strongest and most enduring friendships are forged in our late teens and early twenties, possibly via intense, shared emotional experiences. Adults often find their friendships change as they get older. That is because friends reflect cultural preferences including music, books and jokes, and our tastes in these change.
Middle-aged adults tend to have fewer opposite-sex friends than young adults, possibly because they spend time with same sex friends through circumstances such as motherhood. Older people tend to be involved in more group activities with casual friends but they continue to exchange confidences with close friends.
Men have fewer friends as they age and less desire for close friendships. The same is not true for women.
8 How do Facebook friends compare with real-life ones?
The size of human social groups is naturally about 150, according to Robin Dunbar at the University of Oxford (see “Clever cronies: why brains are key to friendship“). Dunbar’s number is in the right ballpark online as well. Facebook allows up to 5000 friends, but most users have between 150 and 250 – although many of these will be acquaintances and some will be strangers.
There is little evidence that social media is damaging real-life friendships. .
9 Is there a formula for maintaining friendships?
According to Dunbar, you need to be in contact with very close friends about every other day and your next five closest pals about once a week – whether face-to-face or electronically.
Once a month is enough for the next 15. For the next 50 it’s about every six months, and for the rest of your 150 or so personal connections, once a year. Less often than that and friends will quickly fall through the layers of your social networks.
The exception is close friendships forged in your late teens/early twenties – you can often pick these relationships up exactly where you left off, even after decades.
Read more: “Friendship: The chemistry of our social glue“
This article appeared in print under the headline “Can men and women be just friends? Catherine de Lange finds answers to some big questions”
